


no god, holding on tightly

by speakingincode



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confessions, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukishima Kei-centric, written for the haikyuu playlist zine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29943717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speakingincode/pseuds/speakingincode
Summary: Even if Kei never summons the courage to be honest with him about how he feels, if he never cares for him the way he’s always cared for him, Yamaguchi likes him. Yamaguchi will stay for the rest of his life.But Yamaguchi has been around for Kei’s entire life until now. He was so cute smiling around his beer that Kei let him get this drunk.He deserves more than that.Or: Two times in Tsukishima's life that he realizes what Yamaguchi is to him.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 53





	1. beatification

**Author's Note:**

> this was written back in like. may juneish? for the [haikyuu playlist zine](https://twitter.com/HQPlaylistZine)! a lot of love was put into it and a lot of people helped me with it -- more than i can name right now. but thank you if you did help 💚
> 
> this is based on one of my favorite songs: [you're still a mystery](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgQCLh9lQ1Y) by bleachers! hopefully i was able to do it justice. at the very least, i hope you can enjoy it 😊

Kei is closing the latest volume of _Regional Geographic_ when he catches sight of Yamaguchi snoring on his bedroom floor.

Kei sighs. Yamaguchi should’ve known this would happen, the way he pushed himself at practice today. Stupid of him to ask to come over anyway. But stupid of Kei, too, to take so long to notice, especially since quiet is so rare around Yamaguchi lately.

Still, that awful bottomless motivation. It’s the way Yamaguchi’s always been, but Kei can barely comprehend it anymore. After seeing Akiteru standing across from them in the bleachers. These days, Kei isn’t even sure why he’s still in volleyball club.

( _“I know that… everything, but…! Kei-kun, you’ll be at morning practice tomorrow, right?”_ )

Kei clicks his tongue. Annoying train of thought. He stands up to put the magazine away, and as he does, he catches sight of the zip-up hoodie Yamaguchi left on the back of his chair. Without thinking about it, he picks it up and moves to spread it over Yamaguchi, and once he does, he stops.

Kei can see something in the subtle rise and fall of Yamaguchi’s chest, can hear something in this abnormal silence, something like—

A month ago or two months ago or more or less than that, Yamaguchi started suffocating Kei, following him all the way to his room every single day, forcing conversation every time silence lasted longer than a minute. Punishment, Kei’s thought, for the way Akiteru looks at him when he thinks he can’t see. His best friend newly afraid of him and the things he might do, turned clingy from fear.

But Yamaguchi is so tiny curled into himself on Kei’s bedroom floor, deceptively delicate-looking in the light of the setting sun, and Kei remembers, suddenly. How they met. That Yamaguchi has never been a coward, no matter what he first thought of him. He’s never been weak enough to be afraid of him, has always only ever smiled at him wider than anyone ever has and called him his friend.

The bravery it took to introduce himself to Kei after watching him strike fear in his worst bullies… The same bravery it took to follow Kei home every day after Akiteru, to start calling Kei Tsukki after he started calling him Yamaguchi in some pathetic attempt to distance himself from him. To make sure Kei wouldn’t ever have to feel alone, hear his worst thoughts become louder in the heaviness of quiet.

Kei can hear the silence now, but the wound Akiteru left has been healing with every _Tsukki_ and there’s something _good_ in it, something about being caught right before crashing into the ground. Something he needs to tell Yamaguchi he knows, and just when the desire starts to consume him completely, Yamaguchi rustles. Like a sign.

“Tsukki? I… Oh, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Sorry I— Uh. I… should start heading home. It’s late.”

Yamaguchi is acting the way he usually does now, but Kei can’t let go of what's weighing down the tip of his tongue. _Thank you. You’re my best friend. You saved me._ But Kei has never said those kinds of words before, and as he tries to form them around his mouth, all he can force out is, “You’re right. It is late. Stay the night, Yamaguchi.”

And it’s not what he meant to say, but when Kei finds the courage to meet his eyes, Yamaguchi is smiling. The first real smile Kei’s seen on his face since Akiteru. 

_Close enough_ , Kei thinks.

.

.

.

.

.

_someday, baby, i’m gonna beg for your mystery._


	2. veneration

_i wanna be grateful for the experiences that i’ve had._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

“Hey, Tsuk- _ki_ , it’s on me today! You paid last week!”

Yamaguchi swats Kei’s hand away from the check, too harshly to be playful, then takes his wallet out of his pocket and starts struggling to get out his credit card.

Kei sighs. He should’ve cut him off three drinks ago, but Yamaguchi’s been happier than usual today – something about his boss praising him at work – and how he looked trying so hard to hide his grin behind a mug of beer was… It doesn’t matter.

“At least let me help you with that,” Kei says, wrestling the wallet out of his grip and digging out his credit card. A photo falls out as the card slides out unevenly, and the sight of it is enough to flood Kei’s mind with a memory.

Middle school, years ago. Yamaguchi asking Kei to take a picture with him, something cool for the wallpaper of his first ever cellphone. Kei already running low on patience from the annoying way Yamaguchi started acting after they found out about Akiteru and telling him just how lame his idea was and then – Yamaguchi frowning in some awful, chest-piercing way, and Kei reluctantly letting him take the picture.

There was an afternoon that came a little bit after, when Yamaguchi fell asleep on Kei’s bedroom floor and Kei realized the weight of everything he’s done for him. When he resolved to treat Yamaguchi better, to be someone Yamaguchi deserves.

But this picture isn’t from after that day. It’s from before.

It’s from before, and it’s a terrible picture – Yamaguchi crouching next to Kei as he sits at his desk, too lazy to stand up and not even bothering to hide his annoyed expression. The image pierces like a dagger in Kei’s chest. A terrible moment from a period of his life that he’s forgotten on purpose – how awful he’d been to Akiteru but also to _Yamaguchi_ – and Yamaguchi treasures this memory. Remembers it so fondly that he keeps the moment tucked in his pocket, this many years later.

And it’s that. Years. It’s been years since Kei swore to be different, to tell Yamaguchi the way he felt about him, and he hasn’t. Kei can remember every single chance he missed, every single almost: when he realized he was in love with him in high school, Yamaguchi’s first girlfriend, Yamaguchi’s first _boyfriend_. When Kei was afraid university would take them away from each other. But every time, he couldn’t figure out how to say it, couldn’t bring himself to risk changing his relationship with the person who’s been with him his entire life, and… despite that, Yamaguchi is still here.

Yamaguchi is still here, and the period of time Kei was a terrible friend holds one of the memories he treasures the most. Somewhere in his mind, Kei realizes it. For some reason, Yamaguchi likes him. Even if Kei never summons the courage to be honest with him about how he feels, if he never cares for him the way he’s always cared for him, Yamaguchi _likes_ him. Yamaguchi will stay for the rest of his life. 

But Yamaguchi has been around for Kei’s entire life until now. He was so cute smiling around his beer that Kei let him get this drunk. He deserves more than that.

“Yamaguchi, I—” Kei starts to say, but Yamaguchi cuts him off, suddenly prying the photo out of his hands, and he remembers where they are. That it can’t happen tonight. Tomorrow, he promises himself, and tries to mean it. Tomorrow.

“ _Tsukki_! Be careful! This picture is— S’important to me, you know!”

~ ✩ ~

“Tsukki, aren’t you being a little weird today?”

Kei puts his phone down, glances at Yamaguchi. It’s afternoon now, and he’s sprawled over Kei’s bed, feet curled up against his thigh as they watch a cheesy variety show on Kei’s small television. Last night, instead of dropping Yamaguchi off at his apartment like he normally would’ve, Kei brought him to his place, forced him to down three glasses of water, and let him take his bed while he slept on the floor.

“Not that— I really liked the omelet you made earlier, and that you’re watching this with me, but… you’re being so nice today that I kind of feel like I’m dreaming.”

This reaction, this genuine confusion… It isn’t what Kei expected, but it doesn’t matter. _Don’t think too hard_ , Kei almost says. _Just watch the show._ But before he can say anything, he remembers what he realized yesterday. What Yamaguchi deserves.

When Kei opens his mouth, what comes out is: “The picture in your wallet. Why do you…” He trails off. This isn’t what he needs to tell him.

“Last night, I— You— Ah, that’s why it was so messed up this morning, huh?” Yamaguchi rubs the back of his neck. “You know, I’m really happy! All our friends, that we’re older now, but… I guess I miss those days, too. When it was just me and you.”

Yamaguchi is blushing. The sight is foreign, somehow, the way he usually laughs when he says things Kei would find embarrassing, smiles as he compliments him. It strikes Kei then: It’s hard for Yamaguchi to say what he’s saying now. But he’s saying it. Kei needs to… He swallows. “I— To me— You’re my… most important person,” he says, but it’s strange, and still wrong. What he needs to say is deeper than this.

Yamaguchi blushes again, even darker red, and Kei thinks to himself that he’s even cuter in that shade. Like a strawberry. “You, uh— I feel the same way! You’re my, um… my closest friend. But what are you—”

“I…” Kei says, and then pauses. “We’ve been friends for a long time, and—”

_And I tried to forget the part of my life that you carry around in your wallet. And you smile at me while you apologize. In a way no one’s smiled at me before._

_And I still don’t understand you._

“And you deserve more than me never telling you. A long time ago, I realized… No, I… I know the things you do for me. That when we met in grade school, you rewrote the rest of my life. Into something better. I’m grateful for it, even if I never—”

“I… I know. That you, um…” Yamaguchi laughs, still a little awkward. “Because we’ve been friends so long. You don’t need to tell me things like that, Tsukki. I know.”

 _I know_. The words bloom inside of Kei’s chest, and he finally sees the shape of it. What he needs to say to him. “Yamaguchi, I like you. Since I found out what the feeling was, I’ve known. I only…” _I was scared. I couldn’t—_ Kei exhales. Wrong. Yamaguchi doesn’t want to hear these things. Doesn’t need to. “Can I— Can I kiss you?”

Kei should be scared of the answer, scared of the way it’ll change his life, but for the first time, he isn’t. He remembers it, what he realized the day Yamaguchi fell asleep on his floor. It’s Yamaguchi in front of him, Yamaguchi who he’s been in love with for half his life, who’s been with him this long, and Kei knows now. Knew before, until he forgot. No matter how he feels. Yamaguchi would never let him crash to the ground.

“Tsukki, you…?” Yamaguchi breathes, and his pupils are so wide, wider after Kei nods. Kei can see galaxies beneath them, ones he always knew were there but was too afraid to get close enough to see. Just before he can lose himself in them, Yamaguchi fixes his arms around his neck and pulls his mouth to his.

Yamaguchi’s kiss is ardent and ferocious, like he’s been starving for years, and it’s so fitting, somehow. That Yamaguchi kisses him like he’s swallowing him whole. The way he has since the day they met.

“I like you, too,” Yamaguchi says when they part, and Kei thinks to himself that he still doesn’t understand why. Doesn’t know what it is that makes Yamaguchi kiss him like that. But Kei tasted it, in the warmth on the inside of Yamaguchi’s mouth. That this moment could rewrite the rest of his life, the same way Yamaguchi rewrote it in their grade school gymnasium, if he stops wasting his time wondering and just _lets_ it.

Suddenly weightless, Kei takes Yamaguchi by the cheek and kisses him again.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jailsgrr/status/1369346037278707719?s=19) if you need anything! please check out the [haikyuu playlist zine](https://twitter.com/HQPlaylistZine) twitter too -- leftover sales are starting soon and everything in it is so gorgeous it's worth every penny. was very happy i got to be part of this one.
> 
> take care! 😊


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